Year One: In Retrospect.

The thought of Mike and I having only been together one year so far is absolutely mind-boggling. No one can seem to fathom it themselves. My parents were thinking two years, as was Angela at work. Honestly, it feels like seven or eight! Of course I mean that in the best way possible, but to think that Mike and I have only been living together for a year is pretty crazy. (Yes, for those of you who do not know... Mike and I practically moved in together the day we started dating!) Granted we had dated prior, so that probably helped, but everything just felt right.

I remember saying to my mom that I felt so much happier in the first three days with Mike than I did the entire three years with my previous boyfriend. So much has happened in our year together thus far. We moved in together, we celebrated our first Christmas and our first New Years, took a road trip to the mountains for our first Valentine's Day, subsequently suffered a camel bite on said V-Day trip [!!!] and laughed too hard in the emergency room, watched the entire Dexter series while eating veggie stirfry on our new couch, saw our very first movie together in theaters [and we still have every movie ticket ever!], lost everything we owned in the May floods, cried and grew from said tragedy, moved back in with my parents for the month prior to me moving to NYC, celebrated Georgia's first birthday, spent an entire summer battling the woes associated with long distance relationships, spent too much money in airfare between NYC and Nashville, had picnics in Central Park and skipped the big fireworks, experienced so many firsts, moved into our very own little townhouse [just us and Georgia!], decorated to our hearts content, thrifted until we looked like we lived in a Goodwill, roadtripped to Louisville to meet a fellow blogger-turned-wonderful-friend, roadtripped all around 5 states just to find a town to call home in the future [and to build a sandpig next to the Atlantic!], adopted a sweet new baby into our clan, graduated college and celebrated our first year together.

I can't imagine what the next fifty will entail! All I know is that I've never loved someone so much and I've never had someone love me as fiercely in return. Respect, honesty and integrity permeate our relationship and make it the stronger than I could have ever imagined. 

Mike,

I can't wait to live, learn, laugh, love, travel, create, and grow with you over the next many many years just as I have in this first one. You are truly the most remarkable person I have ever met and you inspire me every single day. I love you.

xo

If you'd like to read about how we came to be, please read Our Story!

I'll have more of a recap for you tomorrow! We were both pretty sickly and not feeling too hot all day but it was still very special. But now... we need to go watch Dexter! 

Just Talking

i had a really good conversation with my significant other yesterday. we went out for lunch and just got on the topic of 'us'. we talked for a long time. i mean like 4-5 hours of talking. and spending time together and touching on important issues that we never really discussed before. we both feel really good about it. it was refreshing  ♥

we are both on the same page now and things are looking up. 

even through the rain.

Stronger

these pictures and quotes symbolize my feelings recently. a little bit crazy. a little bit out of control. but hopeful. and brave. and strong. ♥

the only thing i need to remember is to...

Until the sky falls...

I couldn't have said it better myself.


I'll be back later with a mixtape for you! xo

Mike and Kaelah: Our Past, Present, and Future!

Someone on FormSpring asked me to make an entry about my relationship with Mike and how we got together, etc etc etc. Of course I rarely think I'd pass up the opportunity to gush over what a wonderful fella he is, but I hope the lack of excitement doesn't bore you! Okay... where to start...?

Mike and I grew up 45 minutes apart... he lived in the town over. I went to school with a boy named Alex who I was really good friends with until he moved away in 4th grade. Time flew by and I graduated high school, and then a mutual friend made me realize that Alex was in Columbia all along! We had reconnected a decade later and decided to hang out. He invited me to hang out with all of his guy friends and go to the skate park, etc. 

That's when this first photo was taken... This is the first picture Mike and I ever took together. We were in the back of the SUV riding to the skate park and we just said "hey! smile!" haha Really lame, I know. But at this time Mike and I were not dating, talking, or even interested in the other really. I always had so much fun hanging out with the boys and going to the park. I met so many awesome people. Well, Alex had developed a crush on me and I always liked him when I was younger, so when he did this elaborate, planned out thing and asked me to be his girlfriend, I couldn't say no. So we "dated" for all of about 6 days... and I say dated for lack of a better term because we never kissed, we never held hands, we never went on a date... He was very very clingy and needy and I just couldn't handle it. So I broke up with him. Mike and I had really been hitting it off as friends. I just thought he was adorable (he was 17 and I was 18). Mike asked Alex if it would be okay with him to maybe ask me out or something. Mike was an honest and loyal friend. Alex laughed and said "Sure, go for it. It's not like she'd ever like you anyway"... he was obviously mistaken. We started talking and texting pretty non-stop and before you know it, we were an "item." This was August 2006. 

circa September 2006

We were pretty inseparable for the handful of months that we dated. He was still a senior in high school so I'd always spend my Fridays and Saturdays hanging out with him before I had to go to work. Then I'd drive over to his house afterwards (2:30am) and we'd sit in his driveway and just talk. His dad was a bit strict back in the day so it didn't take long for him to start flicking the porch lights to make him come in. (The roles were totally reversed!) We dated for a few months and everything was fine, but I was never really "serious" about anything. I was 18 and I had just moved out on my own. While I never "partied" or "got wild", I didn't feel like I needed to be settled down. I ended up breaking up with Mike because I liked someone else. (Yes, Adam.) It's not that I liked Adam more by any means... but 3 months had come and gone and as bad as it sounds, I just felt the desire to move on. 

doesn't he look so young?! 

Mike and I attempted to stay friends for a while afterwards and everything was fine. We'd still hang out and be cool, but his feelings got in the way so we decided it was best to just cut ties. We both went on to date someone for three years. Mike's girlfriend hated me. And by hated I really mean hate. There was a lot of drama that happened in that whole thing that Mike wasn't even aware of (she came to my work in the mall and tried fighting me, harassed me, etc etc). It just wasn't a pretty picture. I wasn't even allowed to tell Mike Happy Birthday. Anyway, we didn't talk for quite some time, but I remember his 19th birthday rolled around and we spoke to each other for a few days. This caused drama on both ends so communication was lost again. Adam and I had our fair share of troubles and the same could be said for Mike and his girlfriend.

Fast forward a little while and Mike is a dad! Toby was born in December 2008 and while I had known he was going to be a dad, I wasn't aware for a considerable amount of time afterwards that this had actually happened. 

One random night in 2009 I had a Facebook friend request. In fact, I remember blogging about it and saying "An exboyfriend just friend requested me on Facebook. Let's see how this goes!" We had civilized and totally-legit conversations. "How are you? How have you been? Hows the family?" There was no flirting or anything. Now, let me make this very very clear here: I never stepped in on Mike's relationship with his ex. NEVER. They were already broken up (I don't know for how long) when I started hanging out with Mike. I am not a homewrecker, nor would I ever wish that upon my worst enemy. I know my place and I never once spoke to Mike in any way that could be deemed inappropriate while he was in a relationship. (I've got a nice little friend on here who likes to claim I waltzed in and broke up a family when I most certainly did not.) Anywhoo- I was studying for my Art History final and Mike wanted to hang out and chat. I almost didn't go... it would have been much smarter for me to stay at home and study, and I may have gotten an A instead of a B, but still... I put my book down and drove the 25 minutes to his house in West Nashville. This was the first time I had seen him in 3 years.

Conversation came with no effort. We caught up, we talked, he showed me so many pictures of Toby. It was magnificent. I stayed far too late when I had an exam at 8am, but I managed to hang out with him again the next day/night and the next and the next. Before you knew it, we were back together. It's as though my entire life had fallen into place with just a few visits. 

I distinctly remember saying to my mom and friends "I've been happier the past three days than I was the entire three years I was with Adam" and that was the truth. Not a single day has gone by that I don't thank my lucky stars for this wonderful person I am able to share my life with. Or people, I should say, as Toby has brought me so much happiness! 

We spent practically every single day and night together from the moment we started dating and the day after Christmas, Mike moved in. (Quick, right?). He sold his house in Nashville and we've been living together ever since! 

I can safely say that I 100% believe in fate running it's course and things that are meant to work out WILL! I'm so grateful that our paths crossed again and I'm so glad I acted completely out of character by forgoing my intense cram-session to catch up with him. Since December, we've found a new home, traveled, lost everything, gained so much more... I can't imagine my life without him.

It's weird to say that we've only been together 9 months this time around, because it definitely feels like so much longer. I definitely wouldn't suggest moving in with someone on the first day you start dating them, but we have a history and you can't deny what feels perfect. I feel blessed to be in such a healthy relationship with such a supportive person. He truly is my Prince Charming.

I wish I had more photos to go along with this post as it's about seventeen miles long, but we never really took many back in the day. But either way, I'm sure we'll have millions to take in the future! 

So that's our story! It's not all that exciting and it may sound a bit weird or cheesy or just plain dumb... but I'm happier than I've ever been! 

SOOOOO What's YOUR story? Have you blogged it? (Link me over!) or just tell me about your significant other! How long have you been together? How did you meet? (I love learning about y'all!)

A Sweet Re-Post

I initially posted this back in early February when Mike got his blog. I guess he stumbled upon it this morning and showed me... I started crying reading it. It just really puts things back into perspective and even though I love everything about NYC and BUST, I also can't wait to get home. I'd be lying through my teeth if I said this distance was anything but grueling and difficult. I'm also not the most affectionate person in the world (gasp! I'm an idyllic romanticist but at times I can be a stone statue.) so adding 1000 miles to the equation never really helps. Mike is the most passionate, loving, and affectionate person I know so I could take a lesson or two from him. Either way, I want him to know I feel exactly the same about him now as I did back then.

If you pick me a flower, I’ll wear it in my hair. I’ll stash little notes for you where you least expect them. I don’t have many firsts left.. but I’d like someone who I could offer all of my lasts. We’ll make history together. I’ll wait for you even if you’re late – and I won’t complain about it. Kindness to cashiers, valets, waiters and maddeningly slow postal clerks who would try the patience of Gandhi is a must. I will feel safe and most at peace in your arms. When you’re counting aloud, I will try and mess you up. I find you magically delicious. I will let you be right when it doesn’t really matter. I’ll giggle when you show off and I know it’s just for me. I’ll hold your coffee while you drive. I can build a fire without burning the house down. If you wash the car with me – I promise to wear a white t-shirt for you. I‘ll hide around corners and try to scare you in the middle of the night.. of course, I’ll end up scaring myself and you’ll have to calm me down. I can change a flat tire and my own oil. It’s the simple things you do that make me swoon the most. I love it when you sing to me. I’ll make you mickey mouse pancakes. Sleeping in has a whole new meaning now that we’re doing it together. I’ll cover you up and kiss your forehead when you fall asleep watching tv. I won’t swear around your family or make you wear silly sweaters at my family’s during Christmas. I’ll grant you three wishes. I’ll make you laugh. I’ll stare in wonder with you at that hot chick with the great rack. I will marvel at your strength. I’ll take care of you when you’re sick. I give a kick ass massage. I think it’s hot when you come home all dirty from playing or working hard. My heart will skip every time you walk through the door. My kisses will take your breath away – seriously. I’ll giggle if you leave your socks on in bed. My quirks and oddities have been deemed ‘adorable’ and I will love you more everyday for all of yours. I’ll hold you when you need it. I will give you space when you need it. I will let you be you. You’ll sleep better when I’m next to you. I’ll thank you every time you open a door for me. I’ll never give you shit in front of your friends. I won’t ever let you leave for work in the morning without your lunch and a passionate kiss. We can watch your movie first. I’ll clean the house perfectly every time your parents come by. I like horror movies only when you’re with me and only as long as you hold me close. I don’t litter. I love when you pull me down to sit on your lap. I love it when you lay your head on my chest in bed. I can be ready (shower and all) in half an hour. I’ll look cute as hell in your shirt in the morning. I can balance a checkbook. I can never turn down a challenge. I’ll fit perfectly in your arms. I’ll understand if you get jealous – and do my best to show you that you have no reason. Hand-written love notes will get you laid every time. I can totally keep a secret. I’m pretty damn funny and will do anything to make you laugh. You will always look hot to me in the morning. I think it’s cute when you eat off my plate. When you’re sleeping, I’ll try to stay quiet. I’ll call when I say I will. Treat me like a woman and I’ll treat you like a man. To clarify: I’m not looking for a fix-up project, or anything of that sort. I’m looking for a man who quite simply adds something extraordinary and special to my life. And I to him. A fair exchange, an amazing mind, body and soul connection and a place to build something magnificent.

xoxo

PS; The part about changing a flat tire and my own oil is pretty much a lie. I mean... I know how, in theory, but that doesn't mean I can necessarily do it in practice. Shh!

Here's to the girls!

I've posted this on my blog once or twice before and got a really wonderful response from y'all. It's been a hot minute but I've received so many FormSpring and email questions about relationships and breaking up and how to mend a broken heart, etc. I thought that this was maybe a bit more appropriate than me saying the same thing seventeen times. We've all been there... and if you haven't yet, you probably will at least once in your life. I truly feel as though breakups (especially huge ones that tear your heart in half, or so it seems) are one of the most beneficial life lessons we can learn. We come to know ourselves so much better. There are many facets of your life and personality that even YOU aren't aware of yet. A huge breakup helps you learn to cope, to balance friends, to prioritize, to grieve, to pick yourself up off the floor and get back to living your life. I'd be lying if I said I never experienced it. Mine was a bit different than the typical, being in the sense that I broke up with him, but man oh man it hurt just as bad, if not worse. There were days I didn't want to get out of bed. I physically couldn't pull myself from my sheets. But look at me now.... I'm in the best relationship of my life. I'm sharing everything about myself with someone who deserves me and works for me every single day. We're so grateful for each other because we've both come from a seriously disappointing 3-year relationships. You shouldn't be afraid of this part of your life. I promise... it's going to change you. And this is your opportunity to view the world with fresh eyes. Change your perspective and it WILL change your life (that's what I did.) ♥

Anyway....

Here’s to all those girls who used to be his number one.

The ones who waited all night for him to call, only to check your cellphone the next morning and be disappointed. The ones who made it through that bitter break up, dried your own tears, and moved on with your life, only to have him walk back in it months later like nothing ever happened. Those of you who cried on the first day you talked again because you knew exactly where this phone call was going. The ones who listened to him say, “I only want to be your friend”, one day, then listened to him say that he loves and misses you, and the next when he doesn’t want to be anything at all. Here’s to the ones that took him back, hoping that maybe this time, he was different, hoping that maybe people really do change.

We listened to our friends tell us that we were stupid for even thinking about giving him another chance, got crap from our parents, and even snuck around to see him even for a while. We went through the great stage with no fights all over again. We started this out thinking it would be just friends, and ended up falling in love with him again. We wanted nothing more in the world than to hear him tell us he loved us too, that even though things were bad in the past, they would be different this time. And when we finally heard it, it was like we were dreaming. This is for us.

Here’s to the ones who believed what he said, sat around all over again waiting for a phone call that might come in a few hours, or a few days. Here’s for the tears cried and dried all over again. We wanted so desperately to believe that he was really busy, he couldn’t possibly call us at that moment, or even that he fell asleep early. We trained ourselves to believe the lies because we wanted to believe we had found the one for us. We learned to SETTLE for someone who didn’t treat us the way we should be treated.

Here’s for the ones who did their hair and make up and put on their prettiest everything, only to hear him say that he couldn’t see us today. The ones who never believed it when people told us there might be someone else. We just couldn’t believe that he could do this to us again.

This is for those great girls, who loved him more than words can say, and took him back no matter what happened last time because they couldn’t bear to look back on their lives one day and wonder “what if”.

This is for the girls that stayed up all night long listening to him whine about an ex girlfriend who cheated on him, and cried during the entire conversation. The ones who hoped he would realize that he deserved better, that he deserved us.
When he said that he loved you, but he was in love with her, he didn’t mean it.
This is for the ones that held on to something that was never there to begin with.

This is for us girls, who somehow managed to get him to forget about her, and get him to tell us that he was in love with us again, only to have him tell us three weeks later that “You’re just not the one for me.” or maybe, “things were going too fast, I’m just not ready.” (Then later on find out he has a damn girlfriend already.)

Here’s to the girls who couldn’t cry to their friends because of how stupid they felt.
The ones who held it all in when things came crumbling to pieces again. This is for the ones who couldn’t bear to even tell their mom what was going on, for fear of an “I told you so.”
The ones that could just TELL that they had made a mistake ever allowing him into their hearts, their beds, and their dreams again.

We knew that we deserved better the entire time, that we deserved a guy who would call when he said he was going to, one that would come see us whenever he got the chance, one that would really care about us. We just wanted the one that we loved like that.

Here’s for the ones that FINALLY realized that he never gave one thought about them.

Here’s for the time that he took to waste, breaking your heart … again.

This is for those days spent trying to hold back the tears, and the tears that turned into anger, then disappointment.
Here’s for us girls who finally realized that we deserve better.

This is for those confusing days, when you miss him, and want nothing more than to hear his voice, or feel his arms around your waist.

Stay strong, and remember that relationships are like broken glass, sometimes it’s better to leave it alone rather than try to put the pieces back together and get hurt all over again.

Remember the times you cried, and how long it took you to even be able to look at another guy like that.
When your song comes on the radio, turn the station.

When the day comes that he realizes what a mistake he made and tries calling, turn your phone off.
When he tries coming to your house, don’t answer the door.

Think of all the broken promises, and the lies, the manipulation and the tears, the wasted moments and staying up all night wondering where the HELL he was.
Think of how your heart used to jump when your phone would vibrate in the middle of the night, and how it fell to your stomach when you saw it wasn’t him, and realized that once again, he hadn’t called when he said he was going to.

One day, you’ll find a guy who’s worth all the tears, but he won’t make you cry. You may think that you’ll never care about someone like you did that guy that you always ran back to, but you will.

It’s gonna hurt like hell, and it’s going to need time to heal, but the point is, it will heal.

xoxo

Wise Words.

Someone in my FormSpring asked if I could post some relationship/love quotes, so I'm doing just that! Mike, Toby and I are headed to Mike's parents' house for his Dad's birthday. We'll probably be staying the night so this is the only post for today! Enjoy!

"You will try to run and he will let you but he will be standing exactly where you left him when you went ahead and lost your mind, not because he has nowhere else to be or because he’s a pushover, but because he understands that you are worth waiting for. And you are, not because he proved it to you, but because he gave you the time to realize it for yourself." -Anaïs Escobar

"It’s when you hold eye contact for that second too long or maybe the way you laugh. It sets off a flash and our memories take a picture of who we are at that point when we first know “This is love.” And we clutch that picture to our hearts because we expect each other to always be the people in that picture. But people change. People aren’t pictures. And you can either take a new picture or throw the old one away." -Iain Thomas

"I hope that someday, somebody wants to hold you for twenty minutes straight, and that’s all they do. They don’t pull away. They don’t look at your face, they don’t try to kiss you. All they do is wrap you up in their arms, without an ounce of selfishness in it." — Waitress

"The Velveteen Rabbit was about how little kids get one toy that they love more than all the others, and even when its fur has been rubbed off, and it’s gone saggy with bits missing, the little child still thinks it’s the most beautiful toy in the world, and can’t bear to be parted from it. That’s how it works, when people really love each other." — Helen Fielding

"But love, I’ve come to understand, is more than three words mumbled before bed time. Love is sustained by action, a pattern of devotion in the things we do for each other every day." — Nicholas Sparks

"I spend 23 hours a day wondering whether we’re wrong for each other, wondering whether we’ve got the energy that we need to get through everything that we seem to get into, whether the baggage we both bring would sink a small ship. But in the 24th hour, I realize I’ve been thinking about her for 23 hours and I come back to there’s something about her, I can’t stay away from. Something about her, that makes me want to love her." — ER

“ Who wants the perfect guy? Not me. I don’t want anyone perfect. I don’t want anyone normal, thats just boring. I want someone weird. I want someone unpredictable. I want someone who lets things slide and who loves to laugh and makes me laugh. I want someone who will be crazy about me, and isn’t afraid to let everyone know it. I want him to be able to tell me to shut the hell up when I am bugging him. I want someone who challenges me, in every way. I want someone who puts up with my shit, but isnt a pushover. I want someone who pisses me off, but I can never be mad at. But perfect? That’s one thing I never want. Maybe just perfect for me. ”

Love isn’t about the romantic nights or gifts. It isn’t about fireworks going off around you when you have that first, real, kiss. Love isn’t about kissing in the rain and dancing beneath the stars. It isn’t about the big moments or the big surprises. Love is not a fairytale. Love is about still having the butterflies after years. It’s about the second looks and laying in bed wide awake, all night, because you can’t go to sleep mad at each other. It’s about being willing to sacrifice, literally, everything for someone, just because you care so deeply for them. It’s not about buying them gifts, but it’s about leaving them little presents here and there, just to remind them that you are constantly thinking about them. Love is about all of the little things, that add up to really big things. Love is rare and special, but should not be treated as if it will break. Love needs to be thrown around and beat up a little bit, worn in, but not worn down. Love needs to be a comfortable feeling, a place to go when NO ONE else in the world can relate. A safe place, where you know that no matter how ugly you look or how angry you are, you will still be… loved. — [unknown]

"I read once that the ancient Egyptians had fifty words for sand & the Eskimos had a hundred words for snow. I wish I had a thousand words for love, but all that comes to mind is the way you move against me while you sleep & there are no words for that. "

xoxo

dear mike...

You are by far the most incredible fella I've ever had the pleasure of meeting. I'm so excited to share my life with you and to grow into even better people. You support me 110% of the time and you're one of my biggest fans. You help me see the light in myself even when I'm not so sure it's there. You are imperfectly perfect for me and I love you.

xoxo

If you love someone, make sure they know it today. No special reason or occasion required. Sometimes it's just nice to tell and to be told.

PS: I love all of y'all, too ♥

a post for mike (& follow his blog!)

Mike is now blogging! Huzzah! He hopped on the bandwagon!

CLICK HERE to follow his blog, iamMiike.

and here's a little something for him :)

If you pick me a flower, I’ll wear it in my hair. I’ll stash little notes for you where you least expect them. I don’t have many firsts left.. but I’d like someone who I could offer all of my lasts. We’ll make history together. I’ll wait for you even if you’re late – and I won’t complain about it. Kindness to cashiers, valets, waiters and maddeningly slow postal clerks who would try the patience of Gandhi is a must. I will feel safe and most at peace in your arms. When you’re counting aloud, I will try and mess you up. I find you magically delicious. I will let you be right when it doesn’t really matter. I’ll giggle when you show off and I know it’s just for me. I’ll hold your coffee while you drive. I can build a fire without burning the house down. If you wash the car with me – I promise to wear a white t-shirt for you. I‘ll hide around corners and try to scare you in the middle of the night.. of course, I’ll end up scaring myself and you’ll have to calm me down. I can change a flat tire and my own oil. It’s the simple things you do that make me swoon the most. I love it when you sing to me. I’ll make you mickey mouse pancakes. Sleeping in has a whole new meaning now that we’re doing it together. I’ll cover you up and kiss your forehead when you fall asleep watching tv. I won’t swear around your family or make you wear silly sweaters at my family’s during Christmas. I’ll grant you three wishes. I’ll make you laugh. I’ll stare in wonder with you at that hot chick with the great rack. I will marvel at your strength. I’ll take care of you when you’re sick. I give a kick ass massage. I think it’s hot when you come home all dirty from playing or working hard. My heart will skip every time you walk through the door. My kisses will take your breath away – seriously. I’ll giggle if you leave your socks on in bed. My quirks and oddities have been deemed ‘adorable’ and I will love you more everyday for all of yours. I’ll hold you when you need it. I will give you space when you need it. I will let you be you. You’ll sleep better when I’m next to you. I’ll thank you every time you open a door for me. I’ll never give you shit in front of your friends. I won’t ever let you leave for work in the morning without your lunch and a passionate kiss. We can watch your movie first. I’ll clean the house perfectly every time your parents come by. I like horror movies only when you’re with me and only as long as you hold me close. I don’t litter. I love when you pull me down to sit on your lap. I love it when you lay your head on my chest in bed. I can be ready (shower and all) in half an hour. I’ll look cute as hell in your shirt in the morning. I can balance a checkbook. I can never turn down a challenge. I’ll fit perfectly in your arms. I’ll understand if you get jealous – and do my best to show you that you have no reason. Hand-written love notes will get you laid every time. I can totally keep a secret. I’m pretty damn funny and will do anything to make you laugh. You will always look hot to me in the morning. I think it’s cute when you eat off my plate. When you’re sleeping, I’ll try to stay quiet. I’ll call when I say I will. Treat me like a woman and I’ll treat you like a man. To clarify: I’m not looking for a fix-up project, or anything of that sort. I’m looking for a man who quite simply adds something extraordinary and special to my life. And I to him. A fair exchange, an amazing mind, body and soul connection and a place to build something magnificent.

we're gonna go watch couples retreat now as we cozy up on our new couch!

xo

This is going to be a long one...

In light of recent events, I've been doing a lottttt of thinking. There are so many people that continually try to hold others back, simply because they're afraid of reaching out for their own success. I know I've written about things pertaining to Adam and how he has constantly tried to keep contact with me, even though I severed ties with him over 3 months ago, but I've always been very conscious about what I've written. I've never put it all out there simply because I'm not the type of person to air out my dirty laundry via a public blog (that's what LiveJournal and long phone conversations to my mother are for!). I try to protect people even when they exploit and use me. But in light of said recent events, I now realize that some people simply do not deserve to have their reputations protected or shielded from the harsh criticisms of people close to me.

Adam still retains possession of many very important items of mine... including but not limited to a white Macbook computer and a hand-me-down vintage Polaroid camera that was given to me by my grandmother (in Adam's very presence). He had once agreed to pay me $600 for my computer, and we worked out a payment plan so that it would be paid in full by December 31st, 2009. It wasn't. Obviously. Then he promised it'd be next week. and then next week. and then the next. Then he would give it to me when he visited Tennessee in January. He claimed to have left it in California (he didn't). Then it was "I'll send it as soon as I get home..." He didn't. Do you see the pattern here?

Anyway, I've contacted an attorney and I've started the process of taking him to small claims court to try to win either my computer or it's monetary equivalent, and the rest of my belongings, plus court fees, etc. But as I wrote to him on Facebook Saturday night (after receiving an email from an attorney), a sense of calm came over me. Adam has been holding onto my things simply so he can try and keep a hold of ME. Obviously, right? He's told me this himself. He's told me that he keeps dragging it out because he knows that as soon as I get my stuff, I'll never speak to him again. Honestly, he couldn't have been more right.

I just know that as long as I let him have power over me, he'll try to control my life with it. We're 2300 miles apart now. And from this moment forward, he holds no reigns over my day to day life.

There are people like him who constantly try to take advantage of good-hearted people like myself. (Not trying to toot my own horn here, but I was raised by the most kind-hearted, judgement-free person and I merely follow in her footsteps). At one point, I loved Adam. I loved Adam with every fiber of my being and I wanted nothing more than to make things work with us. But after 3 years of constant turmoil and disappointment, it was finally time for me to let go, and I did just that. Adam has never once owned up (whole-heartedly) to any wrong-doing on his part... and believe me there was a lot. That's not to say that I was without fault, because that's far from true. I wasn't always the best partner, but it's a two way street.

Adam started spinning down an awful spiral of drugs, alcohol, partying, and girls. I didn't partake in his social outings and this inevitably sped up the breakup process. Adam needed to be a 20 year old boy, while I was trying to be a 30 year old woman (exaggeration, I know...). But had we not split when we did initially, I wouldn't have pursued my dream to move to NYC alone and work for a women's publication that inspires me on the daily. I did it! I did it all on my own, and I did it because he was no longer there holding me back. He never went to college (not saying it's for everyone) but he had no ambition. No goals. No motivation aside from who was going to spend the night tonight. He was bad for me. He was like a drug that I was addicted to. I just couldn't stop him.

I did a lot of soul searching in NYC while I'd walk around the city on my own... I thought a lot about who I was becoming and what I'd come home to. Even though I shouldn't have, I gave it one final shot in October. My week in California was both exhilarating and exhausting. The fights didn't stop. The drugs were still there. I didn't want any part of it. The lies kept coming, even after I returned home. He was seeing a girl in Las Vegas behind my back. It all came crashing down. I remember walking into my roommate/best friend, Bryan's, room after I had called Adam and ended it. I was just sobbing. I knew what I did was right. I had every justification in the world, and then some. But my heart just hurt.

Mike came back into my life at a very interesting time. I was pulling all-nighters at school, stressing over the most trying semester of my life, crying at the thought of more work, trying to keep faith in men, and trying to not blame myself for what Adam had done to me. I skipped out on studying for my Art History final one night and hung out with Mike at his house. It was the first time I had seen in him over 3 years. It was so surreal. We watched tv and talked and caught up. It was incredible how easily the conversation came. Everything made sense. We continued to see each other every single day after that... in fact, there have been maybe a total of 2 or 3 days at most, that I haven't seen him for at least a short time. And not a single day since Christmas that I haven't spent with him. Just when I thought I wasn't going to be able to trust anyone ever again, he proved me wrong.

Something I've never written about publicly is the fact that I have Borderline Personality Disorder. Now, that's not to say that I'm crazy or anything, although at times I feel it, but I just have a very skewed perception of people and society and self. I constantly battle with the feeling of not being "good enough"... Adam was such an enabler for this. Even after I started seeking treatment and talking to him about it, he never even pretended to be interested. There are two really really wonderful Youtube videos that explain what BPD is and how to handle it in someone you love. This always hurt me that Adam never cared. It was definitely brought on by my ~Daddy Issues, if you will. My biological father is far from ever deserving the title 'dad' but for the sake of conversation, we'll give it to him. I like to think of myself as a strong person and it's something that my mom has worked so hard to instill into me. But after constant disappointment in men, it's easy to understand why one would have a hard time trusting them.

As I said, Mike showed up and he was my knight in shining armor.... not that I ever needed to be rescued. But I'm sure even Joan of Arc would've accepted the hand of an always-supportive knight. I started to find my way back to reality on my own (hence my new-found optimism after Adam and I's first breakup circa Nov 2008). I told Mike about my BPD one day and how Adam wouldn't even watch the 16 minute YouTube video.... Later that night, Mike pulled it up on the internet and watched it in it's entirety. To me, that meant SO much. He talked to me about it, he asked questions, he listened.... So amazing.

I can safely say that I haven't had a single thing trigger my BPD since being with Mike that was a result of him, and that's huge. It was a constant battle with Adam. Everything he'd do was like a giant red flag... But I ignored it because I wanted it to work. I wanted him to be happy. I wanted to be happy. Yet it turned out that I was pulling all the weight in the relationship and eh was merely riding my coattails.

This could go on for days, but I guess the moral of the story (for time's sake) is that Adam was bad for me, and I KNEW it... I just knew... but I constantly went back and I was always left disappointed and hurt... I know SO many girls who keep the faith in their boyfriends because they love him or he says he loves her... but the truth remains that no guy that truly truly loves you should EVER make you feel that way. And even when you think it will be the most hellacious thing to go through and you won't survive, just remember that YOU WILL. You are not the only one going through this. Plenty have done it before you, and more than a fair share will do it after you. A great thing to keep in mind is that we're all in this together. And just when you think you won't find him, he's going to scoop you up and it'll be the most magical thing in the world.

Don't just take this post as my word.... go back into my archives and read past entries.. or better yet, befriend me on LiveJournal and read my heart-wrenching posts about how I'd do anything to make it work.... I feel almost pathetic in hindsight, but they're just reminders that my heart was truly in the right place.... but the wrong person. That's not to say Mike and I are going to run off and get married... goodness no! Not any time soon at least! But I've found someone that I truly adore. You're going to meet your fair share (and more) of douchers... but there's always a catch out there!

I feel like my heart just had diarrhea all over this post... I apologize for that... but I guess I got to writing and then I couldn't stop and then I went off on tangents and then I completely strayed from my original point...

So my point was.... Adam is no more. He has no control over my life. Sure, he still has about $1,000 worth of my things, but they're just things... even the ones that were expensive and even the ones that hold more sentimental value than anything he owns. But they're just things. At the end of the day, I get to cuddle up in bed and watch funny sitcoms with the most handsome boy I know... the one that treats me like a Queen and has never taken advantage of me. The one that holds me when I cry about my car being scary and exploding, the one who tries foods that I'm too afraid to try first... that's what I have. And all Adam can do is hold on fervently to memories of something that was.... I've moved on, and he hasn't.

Living well is the best revenge... and baby I've got you beat ten-fold.

xo

PS; I know I cited a bunch of different videos and posts and such in this entry... so a few key ones are conveniently located below:

Video: A Look at Borderline Personality Disorder - Part 1

Video: A Look at Borderline Personality Disorder - Part 2

Post: This is for the girls... (I feel like EVERY woman should read this)

Dear Friends: (please feel free to take advantage of this offer)

Quotes (Haven't done one of these posts in a while...)

Flames.

Dear Mike: This one is for you.

PPS; I love you all. so much

you suck.

it absolutely boggles my mind how you can go from being so so so incredibly in love with someone for three years and then the next day you are perfectly fine with wanting absolutely nothing to do with them ever again. i would be more than happy if adam never contacted me again, after i get the $600 he owes me, that is. honestly. hand to God i want him out of my life completely. i will never look at him the same way again. things start unravelling and holes in stories emerge, lies come to the forefront and the whole relationship feels like a sham.

but rather than spill my love life or lack thereof out on here... or count the ways in which he completely and totally sucks (there are more appropriate places, ie LiveJournal), i'll simply leave it at this... you really think you know someone but their true colors show once you've parted ways.

you can tell a whole whole lot about a person by the way they handle a breakup.

i'm trying my hardest to be classy, dignified, yet tactful. i'm trying to tie up loose ends where they need to be dealt with and i'm trying to move on with my life. many more undesirable obstacles will stand in my way and i'm sure i'll meet my fair share of uber-crappy boyfriends... oh the joys of growing up!

a new chapter begins...

last night at work was rather busy. we luckily had quite a crowd. the night went by rather quickly and i was on my way to good ol' Hohenwald. it felt nice to crawl into bed in my childhood room (which has since been revamped... but mom painted it peach & its full of ruffles! oh my! its like a dollhouse!). i was woken up by my silly dog Charlie and my mom at the door ushering me to breakfast. a home cooked meal! so rare for me these days haha the weather outside is beautiful so i'm waiting on my laundry to finish so i can go outside and enjoy it. i had to leave baby G at home and it breaks my heart. i miss her so. she always has fun back here with Charlie and Lacey. but anyway...

i've gotten a few questions regarding my changed facebook status and removal of the photos of adam and i on my myspace... i have prayed about some things over the past few days/week and i've come to the decision that i needed to part ways for good with adam. yes, i know we only got back together legitimately in the past few months but he and i are both battling things that are so much bigger than ourselves. i'll simply say no, distance was not the ending factor. yes, adam was the boy i thought and expected to spend the rest of my life with. i would have been happy with that. that was my "plan"... but sometimes plans don't work out, and the one person you think is "the one" is really just "the one to teach you a few things"... adam taught me so much in three years. he taught me that i cannot make myself a victim of my past, he taught me how to love someone unconditionally, he taught me how to DO rather than try, he taught me how to hold on and most importantly, he taught me how to let go. i love adam with every fiber of my being and i'll always care for him. he was my first love and he will be the one i compare everyone to, regardless of my desire for or against this. however, sometimes its both naive and ignorant to stay with someone simply because you love them. i harbor no ill-will towards him and i wish him nothing but happiness and success in his future. however, i can neither help, nor save, someone who is unwilling to help himself. it was a very hard decision and it was one that i thought i'd regret, but as i woke up thursday morning i was greeted with a sense of satisfaction, contentment, and a lifted spirit. it was my decision, and it is one i do not regret. i'm merely writing this so that no one here thinks that i am lying or misleading them by anything i say about love and relationships, etc etc.

what does this mean for me? who knows. it means happiness and friends and laughter and flirting and an open heart and mind. i am open and ready to meet someone who can make me laugh and texts me all hours of the night even if just to say hello, doesnt mind my cheesy romantic comedies and the fact that i cry during the new at&t commercial (the one with the little girl and lost dog.. yeah... you know you felt it, too!).

it's going to be a scary venture, jumping back into the world of dating and flirting and all that jazz, because to put it frankly, i'm not good at any of that mess. i'm shy and awkward and i can't flirt to save my life haha however, i am so ready for this chapter and i know that it is going to be filled with so many amazing people, places and adventures.

it also reiterates my belief and understanding that everyone doesn't have the same sequence of events in their lives. many (read: most) old friends are married and parents of multiple children. some have been divorced, others have met their "soul mates"... all in due time. just because i wasn't meant to meet the man of my dreams at age 21 doesn't mean he isnt out there. i was once friends with a girl who married the second boy she ever "dated"... the first real boyfriend. more power to her. maybe some consider that a "fairytale"... but not me. i've been kicked to the bottom and i've felt the absolute worst heartache i think i could ever handle... but i've bounced back from it. i've learned from everything i've felt. i now know how to handle situations like that and in the future, i'll be able to handle other shitty boyfriends and broken hearts... it's destined to happen. so for that i consider myself lucky. i am strong woman because i've felt these things.

everything happens for a reason and i welcome this new phase of my life with open arms. i'm so very excited about my purpose. if you're nursing a broken heart, i promise you one thing... you WILL get through this. there ARE good people out there. you will be loved and you will be appreciated.

and as the quote goes
"i can settle down, but i won't settle."

find the one that is deserving of you. and don't let go. (and until then, flirt unabashedly! and if you've got any tips for your girl, let me know! hahaha)

xoxo

question answered!

i just got this in my email from the formspring and since there was no way to reply personally, i figured i'd give it it's own little post on my blog... mainly because it's a really good question and maybe more of you can relate.

This was submitted via the formspring:

"I'll start this off by saying, I've been hesitant on asking you this or not. Not because I don't trust you opinion, but because I feel like it's a bit too personal to question via an internet blog, but after reading your post about you and your boyfriend Adam, I figured I'd give this a shot. Coincidentally, my ex's name is Adam as well. But, all in all we dated for 4 years, and just recently actually about 2 months ago "recently" we had to break up due to family/personal problems. Plus, a but load of other issues. Nontheless, the question i was inquiring, was how did you get over your Adam when you needed to? I've heard the whole " find something to occupy yourself with " deal. and Time Time Time, just give it time. I'm sorry this is so long, but I'm in desperate need to know how to get over him. I've been puttin one foot in front o!
f the other these past few months, but I always seem to have set backs around the corners. Sorry if this took too much of your time. I just figured you could relate. Thanks in advance, :)"

alllrighty then! well! this will probably be long-winded so i dont blame some of you for not reading it. hopefully i can touch base with the person who asked the question and maybe the rest of you can leave advice/suggestions in the comments for her! i think this is a great way to open up discussion with more than just myself :)

first things first... i'm sorry that you're going through this. it's never fun and it's never easy, and it sucks when you've spent that significant amount of time with someone. i'll never claim to give good advice, but i will say i can give you my experiences and what i would (emphasis on WOULD seeing as i typically do the opposite of what i SHOULD hehe) do in the situation. my adam and i dated for 2 full years before we went separate ways. they were 2 of the most influential years of both of our lives basically. we lived together for over a year so that definitely sped up the relationship. after 24 months it seemed as though we had been together 5 years. we didnt split because of family problems so i can't relate there, but there were a ton of personal problems that just eventually drove us apart. for exactly one month after we "broke up" we stayed together. after that 1 month i walked away completely. we'd go days/weeks without speaking/seeing each other (the longest was 6 weeks. no communication whatsoever.) through all the trials and tribulations of trying to get over my "first love" i came to this conclusion: if i really wanted to get over him, i'd have to cut him out of my life completely. thats not to say i actually ever wanted to do that... the problem for me was right there... i never wanted to actually get over him. sure, he pissed me off and hurt me to certain extents where i swore i hated his guts, but i never really TRULY did, ya know? i dated several guys over the course of the 11 months we were technically broken up, but i still compared every single one of them to him. i could go on and on and on about this but its really as simple as just try and get him out of your daily routine/mind for a while. its hard and you'll catch yourself watching the phone, possibly lurking via the web (PLEASE DONT DO THIS! THIS IS BAD!), etc etc... but if you just delete him from everything, make everything private and try to avoid crossing paths, it'll get easier and easier each day. every single day for the 6 weeks, i thought of adam. a lot. i cried, a lot. but i needed to. you need to let yourself feel those feelings ya know? don't ignore them. don't just brush them off. acknowledge them and move past them. when you sweep it under the rug you'll just end up with a pile of shit when it comes down to doing the cleaning. then who knows, maybe after just a littttle bit of time you'll be able to be cordial, friendly, and maybe see where things go from there.

it sucks to say it but the truth is this: you've got to get rid of him. theres a lot of life left in you, babygirl. there's a whole world to see. as cheesy as it is to say, i found reading a lot of quotes and listening to a lot of ridiculous (and sometimes sappy) music to help me. thats just how i operate though. reading and listening to somethign that someone else might think is sad can actually help put me in a better mood (simply because its nice not to feel alone. and when i read/listen to those things, i realize that other people out there are fighting the daily battles with me.) so ill post a few quotes and stuff like that that i've come across just to put them out there :) im sure several of them will be repeats but some things are good to hear more than once <3

xo

if you want to talk about it some more or anything, feel free to email me (kaelahbee@gmail.com). you can make a fake email if you'd prefer to stay anonymous. but i'm all ears [or... eyes, i guess i should say :P] hang in there lady <3 you're not alone.

You think your pain and your heartbreak are unprecedented in the history of the world, but then you read. It was books that taught me that the things that tormented me most were the very things that connected me with all the people who were alive, or who had ever been alive.

— James Baldwin